The conclusion of a two-part series; read Part One.

As junior high ended, I struck up a friendship with a guy at school whom everyone thought was the coolest and, as we would have said back then, was "totally hot." Mike was handsome, and I suppose I had a crush on him, in a way. I do remember seeing him one day and thinking about how perfect his butt seemed, and I started to think about him when I masturbated. By this time I was doing it at least 2 or 3 times a day — before I got up for school, when I got home in the afternoon, and after I went to bed. Toward the end of that last year of junior high, this guy and I started hanging out. We skipped school one day, for no reason really, and as soon as my parents were gone for work we hung out at my house. For some reason I cannot remember, we stripped down to our underwear. We sat there in our jockeys, trying not to become erect, basking in the erotic, rebelliousness of the day. (Skipping school was a big deal at our junior high, and tough to get away with!) We did stuff like that all summer — skinny dipping, talking about all the times he'd had sex (I was a virgin) and finally one day masturbating together.

Thinking back on it now, I can see just how much Mike manipulated the situation. He always started things, and we progressed from masturbating together to watching each other, then to doing each other. He always felt guilty about it afterwards, and made sure to spread the guilt around. For my part, I was so infatuated with my hero and all the attention he gave me, I let him play his games. The first time we had oral sex together, he came home the next day from working with his dad with grease burns all down his arms. He told me he felt so guilty about what we had done the night before that he intentionally burned himself — for being such a faggot. But a week later, he wanted to do it again. We went back and forth like that for 2 years, until I finally got the courage to find some other friends and stopped hanging out with him. But before I did, Mike had actually come to live with my family — his parents had moved out of state, and he didn't like it there. After being apart for 6 months, he moved into my bedroom. It was a total disaster. While he was gone, I had become more confident, more sure of myself. He tried to be the same manipulative person he had been when he left, and I didn't want to play that game anymore. One of our biggest fights was over masturbation. I woke up early one morning and saw him going at it. I like to do it before school myself, so when he got up to take a shower I started masturbating, too. When he walked back into the room I was still going, not quite finished — which was no big deal, I thought. But he started saying how I masturbated to much, how I shouldn't need to do it before school, and even that my stomach caved in too much as I did it! I moved into our spare room, and Mike moved out as soon as school was over for the year.

Since then, I have had several partners — both guys and women. One guy I had a pretty serious relationship with, when I first came to college. He would get mad at me for masturbating — he wanted me to "save it" for him. Another guy I worked with liked to masturbate with me, but only after smoking some pot. It was kind of funny: He would talk about girls constantly, as if he was trying to prove to me and himself that he wasn't gay. Then after a bowl or two, he would start talking about his erection and asking to see mine. I almost felt sorry for him.

Masturbation is a huge part of my life, especially as I am single now. I am trying to get finished with college, and a relationship would just get in the way too much. So it's just me and myself right now. I wish JackinWorld would have been around when I was 12, trying to figure out if what I was doing was okay, if it was even safe. (I figured that out pretty quick, thank god!) I can't help but think of how much this site would have helped some of my friends — one kid I knew would not spend the night at anyone's house because he would have "wet-dreams" in their bed! His church had scared him into thinking masturbation would send you straight to the deepest pits of Hell. A more objective opinion is exactly what he could have used.

I will never stop masturbating, relationship or no. Sex with a partner is wonderful, but different. Sex with myself is important, too, and I will never be with someone again who cannot respect that.


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