WHAT WAS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT YOU'VE HAD DURING OR RIGHT AFTER A MASTURBATION SESSION?

[Notes: The most common answer involved getting walked in on — usually by a parent but sometimes by a sibling, friend, or roommate. Many other responses involved masturbating with an improvised lubricant: soap (which can severely irritate sensitive penis skin when applied with such a rigorous and sustained "scrubbing" action), shampoo (similar), or conditioner, toothpaste, or ointment with an irritating additive. Other common responses involved doing foolish and/or dangerous things to the genitals with ropes and such. For more information on unsafe masturbation practices, see JackinSafety.]

When I was in the service I returned to the barracks one night after having too much to drink, stripped naked, and started masturbating on top of the covers in my bunk. I was so horny I ejaculated in no time, but I couldn't see where the semen had landed. When I woke up in the morning I was still naked on top of the covers. No one said anything about the episode, but I felt uneasy for days afterward.
- age 25, California

We were on vacation in Europe, and I was in the bathtub positioned under the faucet. My mom walked in and then walked right back out. The day after she asked me if I knew what the bidet was for — when I said no, she said whores positioned themselves over it for gratification. That made me feel horrible about what I was doing — but I recovered soon after.
- age 18, Illinois (female)

How about being "arrested" by campus security just before ejaculating? I think "unpleasant" is an understatement!
- age 23, Alabama

I have a doozy! When I was 12 my mom and I were at the supermarket, and all of the sudden I got horny — I don't know why. So I told her I was going to the bathroom and went into one of the stalls to do the deed. No one else was there, but I didn't care, because I can limit the noises I make. When I was done and exited the stall, there was this guy of about 70 standing there with his mouth wide open. His face was priceless! Something told me he knew what I was up to. Naturally, I asked my mom if I could wait in the car!
- age 21, California

Don't have a drink of water (or anything for that matter) right after you orgasm. I almost choked to death this way!
- age 16, Canada (female)

I had just finished masturbating and heard a car pulling up the driveway. My wife was pulling in, and I was still dressed in her panties, skirt, and blouse, deathly afraid of being caught! Fortunately I was able to strip down, hide the clothes, and jump in the shower before she got in the door.
- age 27, Georgia

When I was 21, my then-fiancee "caught" me masturbating. It didn't bother me in the least — but I wish the same could've been said for her. She read me the riot act, claiming that she fulfilled my sexual needs, so why should I have to masturbate, yada, yada, yada. I tried to explain that my masturbating was no reflection on her ability as a lover, but she didn't buy it. We broke up shortly thereafter — which, the truth be told, was a real blessing!
- age 40, California

I was 14 and was driving down the road in my mom's car (I didn't even have a license). I began masturbating, and just as I was peaking, a cop pulled me over. He thought I had been drinking because I was swerving. I cleaned up in time — thank God. That could have been embarrassing.
- age 16, Alabama

It was only about 6 weeks ago. My semen was very bloody. Long story short, I went to the doctor, who said it was caused by urine backing up into my testicles, which in turn was caused by heavy lifting with a full bladder. Everything is okay now, but I know to always pee before doing heavy lifting.
- age 30, Maine

Sometimes right when I orgasm I get a horrible cramp in one of my thighs or buttocks. When this happens it spoils the whole masturbation experience because you are so overwhelmed by the pain and can't concentrate on the feelings your orgasm brings you.
- age 21, Arizona

I had the typical teenage experience of having my mother walk in on me while I was masturbating. Thanks to my older sister, I had a fairly healthy attitude about masturbation at that age. But unfortunately, my mother did not. She went ballistic, and within a day she had me signed up to see a shrink. Things didn't get any better when the shrink (a woman) told her it was perfectly natural and healthy for a teenage girl to masturbate. It took over a year for her to "forgive" me for what I did to her.
- age 37, California (female)

I occasionally get sinus headaches. Combine this with a need to masturbate, and the increased blood pressure just before ejaculation — normally a wonderful feeling — drives my headache right through the wall. This is a real lose-lose situation.
- age 51, Oregon

I was in the shower and looking for some lube. I grabbed a bottle of conditioner and smeared some on my penis. All of a sudden it felt cold and tingly, and when I looked at the bottle I noticed it was "cool mint gel conditioner" — a very *uncool* thing to put on a penis.
- age 17, Canada

During my first month as a college freshman I stayed in a male dorm. Most sophomores and some freshman would only wear a towel to walk to the showers, but I wore street clothes. One afternoon, I went to the shower as usual. The showers and changing area were one open area and often unused during this time. I got an erection, so I decided to masturbate quickly. At the same time, a couple of the sophomores decided to take my clothes and leave a towel. What a surprise as they rushed in. They soon forgot about my clothes as I became the masturbation joke all week.
- age 47, California

While I was masturbating my older brother came into our room. I covered up real quick, and he asked me what I was doing. He told me to uncover, and I had my underwear down. He didn't say anything to me after that.
- age 16, North Carolina

I was masturbating on my bed butt naked, when out of nowhere an earthquake hit. I was scared to death and hope it doesn't happen again.
- age 17, California (female)

When I was in college I thought it would be a good idea to use some of my roommate's Ben Gay as a lubricant. Well, it went on nice and smoothly, then it got a bit warm, then it got hot, then it started to *B*U*R*N*! And I couldn't get it off with just a towel, so I had to walk calmly out of my room and down to the bathroom hoping no one suspected that inside my pants my penis was on fire! Yaaaarg! That was a lesson well learned.
- age 30, Massachusetts

Does getting walked in on by your mother count?
- age 15, New Jersey

While being forced to masturbate by a professional dominatrix, I was instructed to stop long enough to lean myself against a wall in a quasi-headstand position. I knew what she had in mind next, and I was none too interested. I was told that I could continue to masturbate, but only if I agreed to ejaculate into my open mouth, which was by now approximately 10 inches from my penis. I did as I was told. The taste of my semen was terrible.
- age 37, California

I was masturbating as usual in my room when all of a sudden I looked out the window to see 4 of my best friends watching me in awe. Talk about terrible!
- age 16, Michigan

A few years ago I had settled down for a nice night-cap masturbation session. But once I got my erection, I felt a lump on my penis. We all hear about women getting lumps in a breast, a sign of possible cancer, so you can imagine my fears. I immediately stopped my session but didn't know what to do. For the next few days, it was still there. It finally faded away — so I was at last able to enjoy a good session.
- age 36, Florida

It seems every time I have just finished and basking in the "afterglow," the damn phone rings.
- age 16, California

I'm not sure why I decided to try a new technique, but one night I was rubbing my penis against the mattress. Things were progressing nicely, but for some reason I thought I could enhance the pleasure by using a pillow. I sort of held my body up with one arm while I put the pillow into place with my other. At that very moment my shoulder joint popped out. I went from ecstasy to agony in a split second.
- age 23, Australia

I was tapping on my erect penis when I thought an orgasm was imminent. But instead I urinated all over my couch and myself. I smelled like urine for days afterwards. Boy, was that embarrassing — people calling me urine man!
- age 36, Cambodia

I had a small cut on my penis, and it looked like it was totally healed. After not having my usual masturbation session for a few days, I became really aroused after viewing some softcore porn on Showtime. When I started masturbating, nothing hurt — but after I was done, the cut got worse. I had to wait longer for it to heal, which was like a week and a half — very unpleasant for me and my girlfriend.
- age 17, California

When I was 15 I tasted my semen. I felt like I was really weird, and the experience left me with a very uncomfortable feeling. I later found out I was not the only person on the planet who had done it.
- age 44, Canada

During foreplay once my boyfriend slipped his hand in my pants, and his finger squeezed my clitoris against my panties so bad I started screaming. That was VERY unpleasant!
- age 18, Alabama (female)

I was performing my ritual in the shower. I hadn't done it for a couple of days and was looking forward to it. Just as I reached the climax of my "adventure" I slipped, fell on my bottom, and hit my head on the side of the shower. It hurt really bad, and my mom said, "What was that?" When I recovered and was finished with my shower, I had to lie, of course — I simply said, "I didn't hear anything."
- age 15, California