WHAT'S THE ODDEST HOUSEHOLD ITEM YOU'VE USED IN A MASTURBATION SESSION?

[Notes: Some males talked about using something as a substitute vagina. Others told of an interest in stimulating themselves anally. Still others described unusual substances they had used for masturbation lubrication. Females tended mostly to describe things they had used for dildos. Vibrators of various sorts were big with both genders. Some stories involved nearly disastrous results — which underscores the critical need for you to be careful if you use a household object for sexual stimulation. The skin on your genitals is among the thinnest and most sensitive on your body. Heat that might cause just a nuisance burn on a finger or arm can cause a more serious burn on a penis or vagina. Textures that feel "interesting" when touched with a finger can be abrasive when rubbed repeatedly over your genitals. Use your brain to think about what you intend to do and what the consequences might be. And a few of the techniques mentioned here are downright dangerous. Respect *all* of your body. For some specifics, see the JackinSafety page and the Anal Stimulation article.]

I used one of my mother's makeup brushes as a dildo. I would lube it up with K-Y Jelly and then slip it into my rectum slowly. I do this regularly and just having it inside me causes me to ejaculate!
- age 17, North Carolina

I used a flower vase. I had to look long and hard to find one with the right-size opening. I lubricated my penis and the vase opening with lotion; then I put in my erect penis and masturbated to a very good orgasm. It felt so good! I got very, very hot.
- age 60, Texas

I used 2 feather dusters and held them feather-to-feather, then put my penis in between them and pumped in and out. It was cool, but I ruined the feather dusters.
- age 14, California

Being at the kitchen sink one day, and bored as well, I spied a pair of rubber gloves on the counter. Having the house to myself I stripped all the way, poured a tablespoon of "virgin" olive oil into a glove, and stood at the sink doing the deed. It was great. One of the best parts was that the neighborhood jocks were playing catch in the parking lot right outside the window. Hmmmmm. On the funny side, when I looked down at the action, it seemed as if a rooster were giving me oral sex. It was a delicious orgasm.
- age 27, Michigan

I put a condom over one of those puffy coat hangers — it fit nicely and was easy to use.
- age 16, Canada (female)

One time I was using a vibrating sander on some doors in my house and accidentally rubbed the edge of the sander against my crotch. The feeling was so intense I continued to do it until I had one of my most intense orgasms ever. The fact that I ejaculated in my jeans made it even more fun.
- age 47, Rhode Island

I used a TV remote and rubbed the buttons against the head of my penis. It feels great and works well!
- age 15, Texas

Vacuum cleaner — I used it (as you can imagine) to make a sucking sensation on the head of my penis. It was okay when I used the lowest setting, but it's not something that I have repeated very often.
- age 28, Denmark

Raw liver — I got the idea from "Portnoy's Complaint." I had fantasized about doing it for a long time and finally tried it. I sliced a small hole in it for my penis, lay on top of it, and thrust into it (had to use a plastic garbage bag to keep from messing up my bed). It gave me a great feeling and a wonderful orgasm. I used it again a couple of hours later, then had to throw it away. It is a good occasional technique, but I did it only once more because of the mess.
- age 52, West Virginia

The weirdest thing — a plunger handle. It's the closest to a real penis and *long.*
- age 16, Washington (female)

A watermelon — I had heard that British soldiers stuck in North Africa barracks used this technique, but with a hole at each end, and two of them entering and withdrawing in sync. I bought the softest, juiciest one I could find and cut a vagina-sized hole in one end, then jammed it between several pillows on the floor at the proper angle to simulate rear-entry intercourse. I found the squelchy noise rather erotic. Cutting a small air hole at the other end overcame the vacuum problem. Because I was horny, I managed to achieve a satisfying orgasm, but it left my penis a bit raw afterwards, and the pulp makes a mess as it squishes out!
- age 46, United Kingdom

Cantaloupe melons have always aroused me — their smell, feel, and taste! One time I cut a full one in half and rubbed my erection inside it. I climaxed quickly, and then I ate the cantaloupe with its "special topping!"
- age 15, California

When I was 13, I used a broomstick with a condom on it (for easier cleanup). Actually, I believe that was when I had my first orgasm. Getting it into my anus was kind of painful at first, but after a while I loved it. Never mind that these thoughts troubled me later, during my Jerry Falwell phase at 15. I'm happy to say that I outgrew that one quickly.
- age 21, Washington

I like to use the stream of water from my pool filter. I get in front of the output hose and let it push the water onto my penis. I've found this makes for intense pleasure.
- age 16, New York

Once I used a tub of Crisco. I just stuck my penis right into the can, forced a hole in the Crisco, and proceeded to pump away! It was okay, but not great. I had a hard time getting to orgasm. I found that a warmed, hollowed-out cucumber was better because of the texture of the sides. Still, the suction from the solid Crisco baking grease was hard to beat!
- age 23, Texas

There are so many odd objects I've used it's hard to choose. Some of the things were basic, like belts for "tie-up" games, paper clips for nipple stimulation, strings, and various objects for anal stimulation, including markers, pens, and even things as large as a hammer handle. However, if I had to pick one, it would be the back massager I use. It has a "scalp" attachment which I use as a sort of male vibrator. At first I thought it might not be safe, but then I saw a sex-toy Web site that sold almost exactly the same models — they even had two speeds, just like mine. I guess that doesn't make it a "household item." But then, I don't think this vibrator was sold for that reason to begin with, so maybe it is.
- age 15, Wisconsin

I use a cantaloupe, slightly warmed in the microwave, with a small hole cut in one end. It just doesn't get any better!
- age 28, Arizona

I masturbated with a condom on, and it helped the enjoyment because I could go more than once. Just wearing the condom turned me on!
- age 14, Florida

I have used a "squiggly wiggly" pen for masturbation.
- age 24, Germany (female)

That would have to be Vicks Vapo-Rub. I had some in my room just sitting there on my computer desk, calling out to me. I decided to give this "lube" a shot. So I smeared some onto my hands, and from there, onto my penis. As I would rub my penis during masturbation, the Vicks made my penis very "cold" — a weird, yet nice sensation. Then if I took a break or stopped for a moment, all of a sudden the Vicks made my penis feel like it was burning — *very hot.* Needless to say, it took a while for me to have an orgasm, but it was definitely an interesting experience.
- age 16, Wisconsin

The oddest item for me would be a cucumber. I enjoy anal masturbation every now and then. This time I was getting sick of using small, thin objects. I wanted to see if I could take something larger. I could — and yes, I threw the cucumber away afterwards.
- age 19, Wisconsin

I once stuck one of the old large headphone plugs (from the '70s) into my urethra. Don't ask me why.
- age 17, California

We have a round cheese rasp that you can press a piece of cheese against for grating. The inside of the rasp has exactly the diameter of my penis. So I put my soft penis into the rasp. When it gets hard, I can move the rasp up and down over my skin. Sometimes I use lube. The combination of a firm "hand" and the movements of this odd article give me great orgasms.
- age 33, The Netherlands

The vacuum cleaner. My vacuum has a detachable hose used to clean in corners and between the sofa and the wall. I thought it might feel good if I put my penis in the half-dollar-size hole. I turned the vacuum on and, wow, what pains! I swear it pulled all of the blood I had into the head of my penis, leaving it red and me in excruciating pain. It took forever for all of the blood to drain and my penis to return to normal so I could remove it from the hole. Needless to say, I will never try that again!
- age 17, Ohio

I was at home by myself one evening, and my boyfriend was coming over, so I decided to get myself prepared. I couldn't find my dildo, so I began looking through the house for something I could use as a substitute. I found a Clearly Canadian water bottle. When he arrived I was using it, and he got *so* turned on! It felt really good, too. Now I use it instead of my dildo — it's amazing!
- age 24, Texas (female)

I don't know if this counts, but it was our dog. I had previously tried "auto-fellatio," but couldn't reach my penis with my mouth. One day the idea popped into my head, so I tried it. I spread peanut butter over my penis and let the dog lick it off. The orgasm was by far the best I've ever had.
- age 16, Michigan

I used a vibrating foot massager to see how many times I could ejaculate in one day. My ejaculations were quick and really abundant, but after the third time, my mom walked in on me. She was good about it, however, and explained that masturbating is natural. She said that whenever I want to do it, I should put a sock over my door handle so she won't walk in. And then, she gave me the foot massager! That's the only thing I use now.
- age 12, New York

A very odd-shaped shampoo bottle — I inserted it and used it as a dildo. It was just long enough to to hit my G-spot, and it was great.
- age 17, Texas (female)

Our sofa! Take a sandwich bag, K-Y Jelly, and loosen your lower clothing. Next, kneel before your sofa, legs apart, where two of the cushions meet. Lube your member and place the sandwich bag over it. Insert yourself between the two cushions where they meet the base of the sofa, like an upside down "T." You may also have to put some pressure on top of the cushions with your hands to get the correct effect. The orgasm and sensitivity from the cushions at the end will be more than you can handle!
- age 42, Oregon

I used an ice cream scoop. The handle was just the right size for me, so I put a condom on it and inserted it into my anus. I masturbated with the scoop part hanging out of my butt. It really seemed to make my finish much better. I have since bought a dildo and use it regularly. The sensation of having something in my anus is great. I am straight, but I do so enjoy having something in there.
- age 16, Michigan

This was weird, but I used grapes — a lot of them. I mashed them up in a plastic baggie and put my penis in them. It felt weird but sticky. I also inserted a few into my anus. The feeling wasn't too hot. I doubt I'll use grapes again.
- age 24, Vermont

Don't ask. Please just don't ask.
- age 14, Canada