WHAT'S THE STRANGEST OBJECT OR SUBSTANCE YOU'VE EVER INCORPORATED INTO A MASTURBATION SESSION?

[Notes: Responses to this week's Question show the tremendous variety of things people have tried to use as sexual stimulants or lubricants. Some experiments brought success, but others caused much discomfort and even mild injury. So it seems some comments on masturbation safety are in order. (For more details on masturbation safety, go here.) First, realize that your genitals are among your body's most sensitive parts. Their skin is the thinnest of any. The younger you are, the more sensitive it seems to be — but it's easy for anyone to irritate or damage that skin. There are 4 types of injury that you risk: temperature burns, chemical burns, abrasion (scuffing or chafing the skin), and for males, damaging the circulation system in your genitals. If you heat anything in a microwave oven or on a stove, intending to put your penis into it (or put it into your vagina), test it first on your cheek or the inside of your wrist. Realize that anything such as Vapo-Rub or alcohol that mildly stimulates the thicker skin on your hands, arms, or legs (especially if it contains alcohol or menthol) is likely to burn your genitals. A surface that may feel smooth to the touch of a finger still could be rough enough to scrape the skin of an erect penis or the membranes that line a vagina. Tying a string or putting a rubber band around the base of your penis or scrotum, if drawn tightly, can easily damage the blood vessels inside. (You need those blood vessels to get and keep an erection!) Although rare, it's possible to twist a testicle around inside your scrotum so the testicle's blood supply is cut off — the only fix is to go immediately to the emergency room, where the scrotum is cut open and the testicle physically untwisted so as to restore blood flow. There are normally no bacteria in urine, semen, or "pre-cum," but your anus abounds in bacteria. Take great care to keep anything you use for anal stimulation away from other body parts (particularly your or a friend's vagina) until you can clean it. Absolutely do not trade anal toys with anyone. Furthermore, understand that although not everyone enjoys anal stimulation, people who do can be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Liking anal stimulation is *not* an indicator of sexual orientation. Safe lubricants commonly available at home include baby oil, kitchen cooking oil, Vaseline, and K-Y Jelly (often better when supplemented with water). Enjoy your body's responses to sexual stimulation, but do so responsibly and with respect so you can continue to enjoy that response thoughout your life.]

I once masturbated with a sock on my penis. When I had my orgasm it was great the way the head felt against the sock.
- age 18, Michigan

A papaya — it worked quite well. I hollowed it out, cut a vent in the end, and slid it on and off of my penis. I finally climaxed while rolling it between my hands — a rotational orgasm! Cucumbers are a lot of fun, too.
- age 38, California

That would have to be the gel out of an old wrist rest for my computer. I was going to throw it away and thought what the heck, so I wrapped it around my penis and started to masturbate. The sensation was great, and the orgasm was fantastic.
- age 15, Missouri

A turkey baster. It worked quite well because it was the right thickness. (Thickness *always* rules over length for pleasure!) But it did need a lot of lubrication at the tip, since the plastic was so rigid around it.
- age 28, Canada (female)

One time I stuck my erection down into my family's jar of Miracle Whip Salad Dressing and got a big dollop of it on the head of my penis. I used it as a lube, and it was great! But after I ejaculated, it had kind of an odd smell — and when I flopped my penis in the bathroom sink to wash it off, I realized the Miracle Whip had made it so greasy I actually had to take a shower and wash my penis with heavy-duty soap twice before I felt it was completely off. However, the skin on my penis felt extra soft for a couple of days after. I would give it 2 thumbs up!
- age 17, Texas

My girlfriend's stocking — she slid it onto my penis like a sock. Then she pulled it off very slowly. It was the most intense orgasm I've ever had.
- age 23, Australia

Hot-water radiators heated our old house. They were painted with a very smooth, glossy paint. I discovered early on that it felt awesome to rub my penis between the radiator's ribs (or whatever they're called) — right up to where my balls rubbed against it, too. It was both warm and smooth. I never ejaculated, though, because it would have been way too hard to clean up the wall behind and all over the radiator. Still, a horny kid will try anything.
- age 23, Minnesota

I always use a bathtub faucet. I let a hard stream of hot water run onto my clitoris. This brings insane orgasms. If that's not weird enough, I once used a wooden spoon. That didn't work so well — I was too afraid of splinters!
- age 17, North Carolina (female)

I had just finished taking a hot shower and was masturbating before I toweled off. I decided to gently rub the tip of my penis against the fogged-up bathroom mirror's surface. The sensation was unique. Using my "pre-cum" as a lube, I kept rubbing the tip of my penis against the mirror until I couldn't hold it any longer and ejaculated. The cool surface of the damp mirror felt great. I have also tried a fogged up shower glass — it works just as well.
- age 18, Canada

I made a papier-mache rat as an art project in high school — it stood about 3 feet tall and was mostly hollow, but very solid. When I brought it home I realized its true potential. I cut a hole in its back and made love to that thing until it fell apart.
- age 27, Illinois

I have a small felt bag with a drawstring that I slipped my testicles into and tightened the drawstring (not too tightly), so that when I pulled gently on the bag, it wouldn't pull off. I had discovered that this slight pull feels great when I masturbate! I attached a pair of old elastic suspenders to the bag and to my bed, so I could lie down and masturbate (with lube is best) while I had pressure pulling on my ball sac. It was *so incredible!* I recommend it to everyone.
- age 18, District of Columbia

Once I put my penis under water and then I stuck my wet penis into some crystal sugar. When my penis was covered with sugar, I called my dog and let him lick the sugar from my penis. It took 3 or 4 minutes, but it was enough time for me to ejaculate more than I ever had before! Since then, we have done it "together" many times.
- age 22, Hungary

Once I was spending the night at a friend's house and I snuck into his sister's room late at night. I wrapped her underwear around my penis and masturbated right next to her. I would have been humiliated if I had been discovered, but it was very thrilling.
- age 16, Tennessee

When I was about 17 I used our video camera and a mirror to videotape myself from different angles while I masturbated. It was sort of like what you would see on a porno tape, and it turned out pretty well. I erased the tape after watching it a couple times, though, so my parents or my brother and sister wouldn't find it accidentally.
- age 21, Virginia

That would have to be ice. I thought ice would make blood rush to my penis and make it hard, but it didn't work — it just made my penis very cold and uncomfortable.
- age 17, California

I have used a few objects to stimulate my anus. The best were my toothbrush and a small candle (both by using the smooth side and using lube, of course). I like the feeling of having something pressing against my anus when I ejaculate. It feels soft and very sensitive.
- age 20, the Netherlands

I have used the end of a back scratcher to reach my prostate. It was my first experience with having something in my anus. At first it hurt, but after a while it was a great sensation that led me to one of the largest orgasms I have ever had
- age 18, Australia

I once sprayed my entire groin area with Silly String and masturbated with it all over me. It was a great sensation. I have also sprayed some on my chest while doing it — that also feels great.
- age 16, New York

I sat a naked Barbie doll riding on my erect penis with her hands and legs clasped tightly around it. It was visually stimulating, and guess what? She got a facial shower when she helped me ejaculate.
- age 55, Australia

I once used raw eggs to lube my penis and finger my anus.
- age 18, New York

It would have to be a pumpkin. When I was 19 I was visiting my grandparents in Wisconsin. My grandpa grows prize pumpkins — up to 4 feet in diameter and weighing over 100 pounds. He wanted to take some pictures of me with the pumpkins, so I straddled a pumpkin so he could snap a shot. I was wearing cotton shorts, and my clitoris was making contact with the pumpkin. After he snapped his shot I stayed on the pumpkin while he and my cousins wandered back to the house. I slowly and (I hope) inconspicuously humped the pumpkin. The resulting orgasm left a stain on my shorts, but that's another story.
- age 26, Alaska (female)

I read it was safe to use toothpaste as a lube. I didn't have anything else, so I tried it, and it burned like hell! It hurt terribly for about an hour! Don't try it unless you're looking for serious pain. OWWW!
- age 14, Texas

I saw some children's "floaties" in a store — the kind with three plastic bubbles joined to fit over the arms. My devious mind thought that if I coated them with baby oil and slipped them over my penis, it should feel very satisfying. It did! I use them often during masturbation — and also by placing them between my body and the mattress. Either way, the result is orgasmic.
- age 19, Australia

I think of my body as a temple of God, so I am usually very cautious about what I put into it or on it. That's why the only things I use are things to simulate God's gift of sex with women. I'm afraid they're not very sensational, but my body has never yet voted "no" to Vaseline!
- age 25, Minnesota

I once tried using a vacuum for masturbation. It didn't work very well at all. There was too much air pressure, and it hurt my penis.
- age 15, New Hampshire

I used the vibrating Sony Playstation Controller. I wrapped it in plastic and laid it on my penis. It felt great when it was vibrating, but it just got me hornier — it didn't really move fast enough to get me off.
- age 24, New York

I'd have to say the strangest things are the grapes I inserted in my vagina back when I was a teenager. I had already tried various other types of produce, and was curious to see if grapes worked well, too. They didn't.
- age 40, California (female)

The strangest thing was a hamster! *Please* don't call Animal Protective Services on me! I put my hamster into my pants, and he crawled up my legs to my penis, and it tickled like crazy! I really enjoyed it — he made me ejaculate. I know it sounds weird, but it's true. You could call it coincidental, since I had no idea he was actually going to make me ejaculate.
- age 13, California

I've used a condom, literally drenched in lubricant and held on my penis with the wrapped fingers of both hands (the lower one backwards so the thumb and forefinger can be tightened like a sphincter muscle at the base). It feels more like a wet vagina than anything else I've tried.
- age 68, Georgia

My car — I sometimes just go for a ride at night and masturbate as I drive. I love it! Any time I can drive and climax is such a turn-on.
- age 18, Minnesota

On JackinWorld's advice, I went to the farmer's market and picked up a nice cucumber. I got home, got naked, and had an erection. I carefully started to hollow out the inside of the cucumber until the fit on my erect penis was snug. Then, I firmly moved the cucumber up and down my shaft with one hand while squeezing and rubbing my scrotum with the other. My ejaculation experience was wonderful!
- age 42, New York

Once I put honey on my scrotum and let my dog lick it off while I masturbated. When I ejaculated it went everywhere.
- age 16, California

Black lighting. I was curious to see whether my sperm would glow in the dark. It did!
- age 26, California

A tampon. I know it sounds weird, but if you like anal stimulation it works well. I'm not gay and never will be, but I do like anal stimulation. It feels so good going up, and then you can pull it out by the string. Also, try using sample-size bottles of stuff — they work well, too.
- age 15, South Carolina

Strangest object? Would have to be my ex-boyfriend. Can't get much stranger than that. What a way to ruin a good wank!
- age 20, Great Britain

A Barbie Doll's foot. I'm out of that stage now, but when I was around 11, it actually helped me find my clitoris. It also gave me my first orgasm.
- age 13, Illinois (female)

I guess the strangest thing that I have ever used to masturbate with is my best friend's semen. I was 15, and we were masturbating together while watching some porno movies. He ejaculated before I did. The semen was on his hand and stomach, so I got some of it, put it on my penis, and kept stroking. It worked great as lube. What's more, the idea was really erotic. I don't know why we did it — we just did. Since then I have gotten married and had two kids. Never since then have I done anything like that, but I wouldn't mind trying it again. I wish society would stop worrying about what might be "grotesque" and focus on what feels good. Life would be a lot more fun.
- age 29, Texas