Fun with Objects and Substances
Alternate lubes and hands-free methods
Sgt. Pepper
Roasted red sweet peppers out of a jar have the consistency of a vagina, or the inside of a mouth without the teeth. Insert your penis into one of these peppers while holding the pepper in your hand. Warning, do not use hot peppers for this technique!
Prime Ribs
Get one of those "ribbed" condoms, and turn it inside out so when you put it on, the ribs will rub against your penis. Lube the condom's inside (previously the outside) with K-Y Jelly or another water-based lube, and simply masturbate by moving the condom. If it's been a while, go easy – this will make you reach orgasm quickly, because the ribs stimulate every inch of your penis. Using a condom this way with a vagina simulator will make it feel even more real.
The Kleenex "Condom"
You can make a very effective "condom" of sorts for masturbation (not for intercourse!) using Kleenex tissues (preferably the lotioned kind). Start with 5 tissues (you can adjust the number depending on your penis size), fold 3 of the tissues in half along the crease that's usually there, and then wrap them around the base of your penis. Drape the other two tissues over the top opening so you can hold onto the edges with your hand. Then move up and down, and you've got yourself an easy, pleasurable ejaculation cleanup that can be flushed away with ease. You may want to make sure the whole thing is totally soaked through before flushing; otherwise it may plug up the toilet.
The Banana Split
Lay out a split banana on four fingers, palm side facing you. (The banana can run parallel or at slight angle – don't use the end that attached to the tree, as the stem gets in the way.) Lay your penis on the banana, and lay the banana's other half on top of your penis, and secure with your thumb. Now massage your penis head between your thumb on top and fingers underneath. You can slip the base of the thumb over the banana and take some deep strokes to relieve the pressure on the head now and then. Variations in pressure can help build an explosive orgasm. This method's author claims it "comes close to duplicating a very talented mouth."
Cold as Ice
When you start to get close to ejaculation, place two to three ice cubes on your scrotum or crotch. The feeling is incredible, especially at the moment just before orgasm.
DOUBLE-BAG IT
Take two sandwich baggies. Fill one with hot water (but not so hot that you can't put your hand into it), and in the other baggie put about 5 ice cubes and a little cold water. Masturbate one-handed with the warm baggie on your scrotum — and when you feel orgasm approaching, switch baggies so the cold one is on.
Two Pillows & a Condom
Put one pillow on top of another lengthwise on your bed. Place the top pillow forward about halfway relative to the bottom one. Put a little liquid lube inside a condom and put it on. Place your penis between the pillows, and hump away.
The Sock Puller
Turn a sock inside-out, and put it over your penis. Then grab the loose ends on both sides with both hands, and – without touching your penis – move the sock up and down.
The Two Pillow Mockup
First, get two fluffy pillows, approximately the same size. Place them side by side on (preferably) the bed. Position your erect penis in the crack between the pillows. Next, adjust the pillows to effectively create a "vagina": push the sides of the pillows toward your penis, and then roll the pillows' outer edges under you so your penis is up off the bed somewhat – this way when you thrust you won't hit the mattress. Now, reach under and adjust your penis so it's pointing downward at a slight angle (or however you prefer). Readjust the pillows for tightness, and pump away.
Hump, Hump, Hump your Boat
Take a small, inflatable vinyl pool raft and fill it with air – not completely full, but nearly – and put it in your bed (under the covers if it's a chilly night). Take off your clothes. Now, put some lubricant in the center of the raft and on your genitals. Saliva works very well – just build up a mouthful and let it out on your penis and the raft. Lie on top of the raft and test it by rocking back and forth, "riding" it. It should feel intensely wonderful and slimy – if not, add more lube. With practice you should soon have a wonderful, portable companion that feels much better than masturbating with a hand.
Hang a Towel
Lie on your back with one knee bent and raised. Place one arm under that leg to support it with your forearm, and grab your penis with a well-lubricated hand. Hang a towel over the raised ankle so it brushes your buttocks and testicles. Slowly massage your penis as the towel stimulates your scrotum and perineum. The dual sensation of masturbating and something gently brushing your genitals and buttocks will deliver a very strong response.
