Fun with Objects and Substances
Alternate lubes and hands-free methods
Blow me Down
Get a small travel fan or something similar, and set it up so it blows air over your penis. If you have a more powerful fan, even better. This works best if you either don't use lube or use a non-drying lube like oil or Vaseline. Of course, this technique can be combined with many others.
Fantastic Sucking Zucchini
Get a large zucchini or cucumber (the texture is different, so try both), about 8" long and 2" wide. Slice off the stem end. Put it in the microwave for a minute or two; this softens the material inside. Then take a knife and slowly hollow out the inside, being careful not to puncture the skin. Try it on for size after it is cool. Now lube up – you might not need as much as you think, as the natural moisture inside helps. After you get going, alternately squeeze and release the vegetable. This will create a sucking action since the air inside cannot escape. Even if the air does get out through a small hole or tear, this technique seems to work.
Hot-Water Paradise
First, lubricate your penis generously with petroleum jelly (Vaseline); its water resistance is very important. Then masturbate with your penis submerged in very warm water. This works best with a shallow tub or a pot. Your penis (and preferably your scrotum, too) must remain submerged in the water at all times, and the hotter the water you can stand, the better. (Note: If it's too hot to keep your hand in easily, it's too hot!) A hot tub doesn't have the same effect, because the rest of your body is at the same temperature as your penis. When you ejaculate, the hot water heightens the sensation like no other.
It's in the Bag
Take a plastic sandwich bag and put a good amount of lube in it – enough to thinly coat the sides. Now put that bag on a heating pad set to low for a few minutes, so the lube and bag warm up. The fun part: Put your penis into the bag, and with your index finger, rub the bag across your penis head until you ejaculate into the bag. Tip: Do this where it's easy to clean up lube if you spill any.
It's the Sheet
Get into bed and lie on your back with just a sheet over you. (Make sure all other blankets are out of the way.) Pull down your underwear or pajamas if you're wearing them. Get an erection; grasp your penis by the base with just a few fingers, and move it back and forth rapidly (toward your stomach and then toward your feet), letting the head barely rub the sheets. This is very arousing and can create almost unbearable pleasure.
Pasta Pasta Pasta
Cook some noodles in boiling water, pour off the excess water, and let the noodles cool off. Then make a penis-size hole in the pasta, which should be fairly stuck together at this stage. Then away you go. The wet pasta should be enough for a lube. Caution: Don't be too eager with this one – to avoid burning yourself, the pasta must have cooled enough so you could hold a finger inside it without any problem. And please, don't serve the pasta to your family afterwards!
Shower Curtain Madness
When masturbating in the shower, wrap the shower curtain around your penis. This works best with the Backhand grip.
Sock'em Boppers
In toy or discount stores there are inflatable boxing gloves called Sock'em Boppers. When inflated they are about 12" in diameter. Lie on top of the partially inflated tube and insert your penis where your hand should go; you can roll around and thrust to your heart's content. They're inexpensive and much easier to use and conceal than an inflatable doll, but they work really well. If you have the patience, you can fill the Sock'em Bopper with warm water. Non-oil-based lube is recommended.
WITH A CONDOM
This involves putting on a partially inflated condom. Blow up the condom very large — when you try to put it on, most of the air will rush out, but that's okay as long as some air is left in it. Once you have the partially blown-up condom on your penis, let out enough air until it's inflated only to the normal shape of the condom. (Keep too much air in it and the condom will pop. "Ribbed" condoms feel better with this technique. When you're done, just throw out the condom.
The Blind Melon
Get a nice-size cantaloupe and cut a hole about the size of your penis. You can insert your penis into the cantaloupe and either move the fruit up and down or hump it – either way, it feels great. You may want to put a small hole in the opposite end if the suction gets too strong. The feel of the warm juices running down your scrotum is out of sight. Clean up is not too bad, and you might be able to do it more than once with the same melon.
The Double Condom
For this one you need 2 types of condoms: one that's non-lubricated regular or snug-fitting, and one that's large-size and lubricated. First, put the non-lubed condom on your penis; then put a lot of K-Y Jelly or other water-based lube on the larger condom and put it on over the first. Masturbate by sliding the outer condom over the inner one. You won't orgasm as fast, but when you do it will feel really good.
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