Home-made devices that simulate the feeling of a vagina.
The Foo Foo
Get a dishtowel (or any kind of small towel) and a latex glove (the thin kind surgeons use, which can be found in many drug stores or hardware stores). Cut a hole in one of the fingers of the glove. Place the glove at the end of the towel on the side edge, and roll up the towel – snug, but not tight. Stretch the opening of the glove around the towel to stabilize it, and put some sort of lube into it. Then thrust into it. To clean up, all you have to do is discard the glove – but be sure to have plenty of extras, because you will love it! Reader improvement: Add 10 or 20 rubber bands on the towel at various parts, especially the entrance of the opening. It makes it tighter and feels a lot better and more realistic.
The Pasta Plaything
Here's a homemade masturbation toy that takes a bit of time to make, but it's worth it. Items needed:
Regular box of spaghetti (regular-size noodles work best – not the large noodles)
Jar or glass (any sturdy glass that's the same circumference from top to bottom – just make sure it's long enough and wide enough; 4 to 5 inches in diameter should be fine)
Large sheet of Saran Wrap
1 or 2 strong rubber bands
Broom handle or long-neck beer bottle
Cook the spaghetti noodles until done (as if you were going to eat them). Drain the water and add a bit of vegetable oil to prevent the noodles from sticking together – just add one capful of oil, because you'll want them to stick together a little later on. Let them cool to a nice and warm temperature; be sure to finger-test to prevent burning yourself. Next, fill the glass with the noodles and pack it tight. Find something to push down the noodles to pack the glass. (Just be careful to not break the glass while packing the noodles in.) Pack the noodles all the way to the top. Stretch the Saran Wrap over the top of the glass. Make sure the Saran Wrap is pulled tight across the top, and secure it with a strong rubber band or two. The noodles will try to pop out, so the stronger the rubber bands, the better it will work out. Next, poke a small hole in the center of the Saran Wrap with a pencil or something similar, and then push a broom handle or bottleneck into the small hole in the wrap. It should open up the wrap some and make a nice-size hole in the packed spaghetti. The spaghetti will expand some to accommodate your penis; a broomstick handle makes a good starter hole.
You can use any lube, but try warm butter. Just put the butter in a bowl and microwave until melted and warm (not hot). On a finger, rub the melted butter inside the spaghetti hole. At this point you will feel just how much that spaghetti really feels like a vagina – it's amazing, especially if the spaghetti is still nice and warm. Apply the butter lube to your penis, and insert it into the hole. The Saran Wrap keeps the spaghetti from coming out and also creates a vacuum effect. You can put the jar on the floor or between two pillows or wherever it sits well for you, and hump away.
The Tube O' Sweetness
Fill a ZipLoc sandwich baggie about halfway with honey and add a spoonful of peanut butter to thicken if needed. Squeeze the air out of the bag, flatten it, roll it up to make a tube, lube it up, and then insert your penis. If you use freezer bags, you can heat the mixture a little in the microwave. Since honey never goes bad, you could use the tube o' sweetness many times. (Wash the outside of the baggie between uses.)
Armaflex Simulator
Get a 6-foot length of 1 3/8" inside-diameter x 1/2" wall Armaflex pipe insulation at a plumbing-supply store or home-improvement warehouse (costs about $6). It's a single piece of neoprene foam rubber, not the slitted foam-plastic type others have suggested here. Cut a length 3" longer than your erect penis. With sandpaper, roughen 1" of the inside at one end, apply a 2-part epoxy cement, and clamp it shut with with the other (open) end pointing up. After 12 hours remove and install around the rubber sleeve two thick rubber bands at 1" and 4" from the open end. (The rubber bands they use to tie fresh broccoli are best.) Apply a little K-Y Jelly and 3 or 4 sprays of water, insert your erection part way, and squeeze the tube to expel air. Then thrust in and out. The inward stroke emulates vaginal sex, and retracting simulates oral. This is also good wearing a condom. The sleeve will last a year with daily use. [The reader who submitted this claims it's "the best I've found in 60 years of masturbation."]
The Inflated Condom "Vagina"
One problem with the popular Baggie & the Mattress technique is that a mattress is flat, while a vagina is round and fully surrounds the penis. This simulator addresses this limitation. Unroll a condom, and push the reservoir tip up through the middle of the condom and through the opening from the inside out (but don't turn the condom completely inside out – just pull the tip slightly past the opening). Hold the tip there with your thumb and forefinger while you use the other hand to hold the opening open so you can blow the condom up with air. (You'll be inflating the inside of the condom, only while you're doing this, you're holding onto the reservoir tip, which should be just poking through the opening. This may take some practice.) Make sure not to blow it up too big. Once it's full of air, the other end of the inflated condom should be in the shape of a donut, with a "vagina" created by the tip having been pulled through the opening. Do not let go of the tip. Now, twist the opening and the tip together – tie the opening in a knot like a balloon, but make sure you tie the tip with it so it stays. Now you have your own latex "vagina." Lube it up and enjoy. It's a nice, tight fit, there's suction – and if it were warm, it would feel like a real vagina. If you're feeling adventurous, once you've mastered the process above, try filling the condom with warm water instead of air.
Suction Included
Here's a simulator that creates suction to simulate the feeling of oral sex. Find some kind of short, rigid tube; the center of a roll of duct tape or packing tape works well. Carefully wrap a soft hand towel around the outside of one edge and through the inside of the tape roll, making it as thick as necessary to fit around your penis. Now unroll a condom, slide it through, and pull it into place through the opening; then carefully stretch it over the mouth of the tape roll. It's a big stretch and the condom could rip if you're not careful here. Secure it with a heavy-duty rubber band (like the kind they put around stalks of broccoli at the supermarket). Now lube up well and slide in your penis. This is the good part: To create suction, pull hard on the tip end of the condom as you pull out. It's a gentle suction, but it feels good as your penis pops out. Pull all the way out and let the condom fill up with air, and then push back in and feel the air burble out around your penis. This can get noisy, though, so you may want to do this when nobody is around.
The Can-Can
First, get a large coffee can. At a dollar store, buy a pair of kids' "water wings" or "floaties" (inflatable arm-band flotation devices). Fill the water wings three-quarters full with warm water. Duct-tape them together to make a tunnel, and stuff them into the coffee can. Wrap the can with a towel or pile of pillows, and fold duct tape around the can's perimeter to protect yourself from any sharp edges that may exist there. Lube up and pump into the can to your heart's desire! The can holds everything together for hands-free action. The water in the "floaties" provides pressure against the penis, like real vaginal walls.
Hot Water Bottle Sandwich
Nothing quite compares to the feel of a vagina – but this simulator may be the next best thing. Fill two rubber hot water bottles with water. Close tightly. Slather up your penis with Vaseline, baby oil, or other lube, and sandwich your penis in between the bottles. It's easier if you place the "sandwich" on a tabletop or the back of a couch so it is at
