I had finished taking a bath. The thought came to me about what the guys at school were saying quietly: "moving back and forth, up and down." I had a fine erection, and the opportunity was present for a bit of self-discovery. For me it was one of the finest discoveries of my life, and at that moment, it was probably one of the most powerful. It seemed quite natural stroking back and forth, and the pleasure of the sensation was surely going somewhere that seemed both mysterious and exquisite. The intensity of that first ejaculation was both memorable and physically powerful. I was standing but as I got closer to the finale I began to shake, especially in the knees, and for a while I thought my legs were going to fold. The sense of truly losing control, being driven forward, lost in a new experience that was produced by such a basic movement almost seems too much for the body. Words just don't get to the sensation. This intense feeling of the first time has never quite repeated itself. The convergence of the unknown, anxiousness, and the pure adventure, plus the absolute newness, cannot be repeated. Yet as I have grown older, raised a family, and remain married, masturbation is a vital part of my life.
I have felt guilt. The idea that someone would know that you were masturbating seemed to be in the back of my mind. Then there was the "you'll go blind" and "hair on the palms" stories, but more important was the notion that masturbation would "stunt your growth" and your "brain wouldn't develop right." I heard this. Not from my parents, but from other guys in a joking fashion. "Yep, it ah — make you slow — that's what is causin' David's mind to be so slow!" There was also, "Your face breaks out because of it — you get these damn big pimples." I didn't really believe what I heard, but there is power to what your peers have to say. Oh, then there's the thing about "your seed spillin' on the ground." On and on go the stories.
Masturbation and religion don't mix — at least in the South before 1970, or anytime for that matter. Before that doctor's exam, a physical for school, or college medical work-up, the idea presented itself: "Well, maybe I'll go easy on this, 'cause they can probably tell by looking at my penis, or maybe in the urine sample there would be remains of the last session of pleasure." I realize how powerful the myths, stories, and ignorance of a youth growing into adulthood can be magnified.
The guys at school talked, but not openly. It was always the typical "Man, you've been wackin' the meat," or "You gettin' hold of yourself these days?" My after-school homework usually contained a self-assigned lesson in masturbation. I was a good student, and if exams had been held regarding my progress in masturbation, I would probably have been an A student.
In my college years I don't believe I heard one discussion of masturbation as a real, straightforward thing. It was hidden for the most part. One couldn't wait for the roommate to go to class, the covert under-the-sheets, quiet type of release that required ultimate control, the lightning-speed "stall moment" after a return from the local tavern at 12:30 AM. Also, there was masturbation in the bushes: When it really got bad, you could just run outside into this patch of lugustrum for a quick release. My question always seemed to be, "Well, they're all doing it, and — hell, where are they doing it?" Based upon my experience, and often a twice-daily routine, it seemed that somehow this activity escaped documentation by both myself and those fellows that were in my dorm. The situation seems to be that of a time warp with the ultimate dilemma: "Everybody's doing it — what's going on?" This might remain a question for higher-learning institutions for years.
A buddy of mine came for a visit. We went to a farm some friends had in the Virginia mountains. I woke up early one morning, and feeling the need for pleasure and the usual "morning wood," I went into the main room of the house, lay down on the sofa near the fireplace, and began a pleasurable sunrise activity. With eyes closed and just the sound of the creek in the distance, I was transported to a new level. Such pleasure at 6 AM. I heard a footstep and opened my eyes. My friend was awake and just passing beside the sofa. He observed me in my glory — penis in hand, just about to the point of no return. I jumped and quickly turned over. Nothing was said about the event, nor did my friend make comments later. I am now 30 years older writing about this moment. Replay of this scene today would be quite different. I would finish the task I had started.
It has taken me years to get a bit of freedom about the discussion of masturbation. My son is now in college; I tried to impress upon him that masturbation is a natural, pleasurable, and okay thing to do. I have told him that I enjoy the experience on a regular basis, and a few years back, I mentioned JackinWorld to him. His response was, "Dad, all of us know about that site — where have you been?" I have always tried to be open and honest with my son regarding masturbation. I hope he can feel freer than I did about this gift. My own father never mentioned masturbation to me. (I do, however, remember a friend of his responding to a question asked by my dad. The answer astounded me: He responded that he "felt much better after workin' on the meat earlier in the day." Now there was an open response — something real.
From that first masturbation experience I have found intense pleasure and satisfaction. I believe that it is a natural part of my life and that I should make use of the equipment and pleasure that have been provided to me. In my later years — those after 45 — I have talked openly with male friends of mine about the feelings I have had about growing older, masturbation, sex, and the miracle "blue pill," Viagra. We have talked about our moments of impotence — how it felt not being able to maintain an erection. The feelings of failure — of not being a man. And then there is the problem of just plain talking about it — telling the doctor. The medical community is right there waiting to help, and most of the good docs go at it themselves. So maybe the taboo about being open to talk about masturbation is not as powerful as it once was, or seemed to be.
I am now in my 50s and have learned to "take it slow" and feel. To enjoy the sensations deeply felt in one's body is an ultimate happening. To try new tricks, new approaches, and ideas gives a fresh, almost youthful cast to the event. One thing I have learned is that the process of masturbation never gets old or boring. For some reason, there is always new pleasure to be discovered. I hope that in both intercourse and masturbation, my pleasure will not lose its flavor, and that it continues as a powerful force in my life.
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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Convergence
Gender:
Male