About 6 years ago, at the age of 12, I discovered the many joys of masturbation. It was a regular night, and I retired to the bathroom to take a bath before I went to bed. I liked to take long baths; sometimes I would even read in the bathtub, but most of the time I just relaxed and let my mind wander. I retracted my foreskin, as my father had instructed, to wash my penis and prevent infection. This time the feeling I had was unlike any other — somewhere between an unscratchable itch and a pleasant tickle. I continued to do this, and the odd sensation became stronger, and more pleasurable. It was almost like I was about to sneeze, and I couldn't stop stroking. Then finally, after a couple of minutes, I had my first orgasm. I didn't ejaculate, but the pleasure was all there. I wasn't quite sure what I had done, but I didn't care — it was fun.
I tried to masturbate again right after, but was unable to. For a moment I thought it was a one-time deal — that I would never be able to do it again. I pushed my doubts aside, and attempted to masturbate again later that evening. I was lying on my bed, watching the news, and pulled my penis out of my pajamas and began to rub it in the same way. As before, the sensation continued to grow until I orgasmed. I was ecstatic — I had found a new hobby, and I loved it.
I was curious if any of my friends had done the same thing, too, but I was too afraid to ask. My parents hadn't told me very much about masturbation. My dad told me the dictionary definition, and my mom said it was a nasty and gross thing to do. I also heard various religious teachings that masturbation was a sin. After that, I felt very guilty after I masturbated. I didn't think I was a bad person, but according to the church's teachings, I was. I tried to abstain several times, with little success. When I would start to masturbate, the words of my parents and church leaders would come into my head.
At one point I didn't masturbate for almost 3 months. It was hell. Eventually, I just gave up trying to fight the sexual urges. I was a teenager and couldn't stand it any longer, so I resumed masturbating. The guilt had left me, and I was happy with masturbation again. I decided I shouldn't deny my sexual urges, and that they were a natural part of life.
I was a late bloomer, as I was unable to ejaculate until I was 15. I had very little body hair as well. It almost seemed to occur overnight, but the day finally came. I started to grow body hair, my testicles descended, my voice got deeper — I couldn't have been happier. Finally I had caught up with the other boys my age. Still, I wondered if other guys masturbated, and how they did it.
I looked in books, and on the Internet, for answers. Eventually I stumbled upon JackinWorld, and it was a godsend. After reading almost everything on the site, I finally worked up the courage to bring up the topic with my cousin, who is also a close friend, who lived down the street. We were looking at his older brother's dirty magazines, and I casually asked him if he had ever masturbated. He quickly replied "No," and then he asked me if I had. I told him I masturbated about every day. He seemed surprised. We both had erections from looking at the magazines, so I dared him to show me his penis. He dared me to do the same, and we each slowly unzipped and presented our penises. His was circumcised, and was notably larger than mine — by about 3 inches. I am about a year and a half his elder, so I was a little embarrassed when I showed him mine. He exclaimed, "Whoa, yours looks weird!" I retracted my foreskin and showed him that our penises looked the same. I told him I would touch his if he touched mine, and we both reached over and grabbed each other's penis. He asked me to show him how I masturbated. So I did, using a three-finger grip, rapidly retracting my foreskin. (I have tried many various techniques, but I continue to use the three-finger method today.) He was fascinated and asked me several questions. I took him under my wing and explained various concepts to him.
Since then, I have also taught another male cousin, and two friends of mine, about masturbation. One day, when this same cousin came over, we were talking about masturbation, and he finally broke down and told me he masturbated. He even showed me how he did it, and I watched intently, rubbing my erection through my pants. He ejaculated quickly and went to the bathroom to clean up. When he left, I quickly pleasured myself while replaying the events that had just occurred. Since that day, I have mutually masturbated with 5 other guys — two of them were my cousins, 3 of them my friends. All were of various ages, sizes, shapes, and colors.
Whenever I masturbated, I would imagine other boys' penises. I would also have sexual dreams about other boys my age. I constantly thought about the mutual masturbation experiences I'd had, and I even began to look at gay Internet pornography. I was pretty sure I knew what this all meant. I have never had sexual feelings for the opposite sex. So, I went into a long period of denial of my homosexual feelings. I felt horrible and awkward. I grew up in a small, close-knit, conservative community. There was a very negative stigma attached to being gay. Deep down I knew I was gay, but I constantly denied it. I tried thinking about girls when I masturbated, and I tried looking at pornographic magazines my cousin had, but nothing worked. As soon as I saw a naked woman, I got turned off.
I wondered what I had done wrong, and why I was this way. I tried to convince myself every day that it was only a phase, and that I was really straight. I became horribly depressed, and suicidal at times. I didn't want to be a freak. Eventually, when I was 15, I came to terms with my feelings and came out to one of my cousins. He said he wasn't surprised, and that it didn't bother him that I was gay. I was so relieved; it seemed like a huge burden was lifted. It helped a lot to know that someone supported me and accepted me for who I was.
To this day, I have told only a handful of my friends the truth. Unfortunately, there is still the lingering hurdle of telling my parents. I am so worried they will blame themselves and feel guilty, or that they will disown me. Both of me parents react with disgust whenever a gay couple is on television or in a movie. I think they may have a lingering feeling I am gay but are afraid to admit it. I hope one day I will have the courage to tell them.
Now I am a college student, and I am comfortable with masturbation and with my homosexual feelings. I am happy and accept how I am, and I realize there are things in life that cannot be changed. So, there's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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New hobby
Gender:
Male