[Regarding the Cucumber/Zucchini Vagina Simulator]: Rather then boil the cuke, run it under hot water after you've carved it out with a fruit baller or circular potato peeler. The internal depth can be adjusted by inserting the end of a screwdriver handle or broom-handle-shaped object. Be sure to poke at least two small holes (with a turkey tie or straight nail) right at the end of the cuke, and make sure the nail did, in fact, pierce the internal tunnel. (Don't leave the nail in!) You can check by blowing into the cuke; you don't want air pressure to be able to build up. This will ensure the proper suction and make the insertion and thrusting go very nice. Next, wrap the simulator in a small towel and place it under the sofa cushion to hold in place at the desired height. You can use a small container of warm water, placed nearby, to rejuvenate the lube and keep the interior of the cuke wet while you're having fun. The more moisture applied, the more wet, sucking sounds you will have. You can get an awful lot of pleasure from a 50-cent cucumber – and when you're done, you can rinse it out with hot water and place it in a ZipLoc bag, with the air forced out before sealing, and keep it in the fridge for another couple of uses.