We've all been in horrifying, embarrassing masturbation-related situations. But we can laugh at them now.
[Mike has been JackinWorld's Assistant Editor since 1997. He has two grown children, a daughter and a son.]
Often, people sound deadly serious when they describe stroking their genitals for pleasure, particularly if they are young and have just found out about this nearly universal pastime. So what can make masturbation funny? To attempt an answer to this question, in a special Question of the Week we asked for reports of masturbation situations that had turned funny. About 170 responses proved useful and have begun to give us a picture of what conditions make masturbation sessions humorous.
In classic comedy, surprises, or unexpected situations, spark much of the laughter. Exaggeration is also a source of giggles and guffaws. Think of your favorite stand-up comic; what does he or she do to make you laugh? Chances are, they describe some fairly normal situation, and then begin to exaggerate it, and finally introduce something totally unexpected. Or, remember the last time that your class just cracked up? What caused that? Chances are, it was someone in the class, maybe even the teacher, doing or saying something totally unexpected. Clowns are the epitome of exaggeration, and they often spring surprises to generate laughs.
All of the reports of funny masturbation sessions involved unexpected situations, such as when a man unknowingly used his wife's tanning lotion for lubrication one night. His hand and penis turned orange, leaving no doubt the next morning what he had been up to. A similar situation that could make you cringe involved two young teens experimenting with Icy-Hot in a session of mutual masturbation. Ouch!
A young man and his friend were sharing a masturbation session when, just as he was climaxing, he tumbled off the end of his bed and broke his right arm. His friend had to clean him up and get him dressed before he could call his mom out of work to take him to the hospital. Don't you wonder how they explained that one?
A boy found himself alone in the school shower room after sports practice, so he turned toward the wall and began to masturbate. As he glanced over his shoulder to be sure he was still alone, he noticed someone else in the shower room with a small penis, also masturbating. Then he had to laugh at himself as he realized he'd seen his own reflection in a foggy mirror.
A group of band members were on an out-of-town trip and sharing a room at a hotel. They decided to masturbate together and have a contest to see who could climax first. The fellow who ejaculated first wound up spraying the TV screen, which caused another guy, whom everyone had thought was asleep, to start laughing hysterically. Pretty soon, everyone else joined in.
Unexpected noises formed a subcategory of unexpected situations, all of which involved the emission of some sort of gas from a bodily orifice at a particularly inopportune time. For example, a young man was masturbating his friend when, just before his climax, the friend ripped a big fart. This sent both boys into gales of laughter, effectively banishing any hopes of orgasm for either of them. Another couple, a boyfriend and girlfriend, had to contend with a massive burp just before climax, with similar results.
Situations involving semen and ejaculation made up one of the two largest response categories. A number of responses described an ejaculation that wound up either on the face of the person experiencing the orgasm or on the partner's face, even in their eye. Another couple of stories involved ejaculating onto a cat that had moved into exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. So, how do you clean semen off a cat?
A boy nearly ejaculated onto the keyboard of his mom's computer, narrowly missing having to concoct an explanation. An answer to an early Question of the Week came from a guy who actually did ejaculate onto the keyboard of his own computer, which shorted it out. He tried to explain the situation to his parents by saying that he had spilled a glass of milk onto the keyboard, but he wasn't sure that they bought it. Yet another boy ejaculated onto the keyboard of his computer and, although it didn't short out, he did have to spend a half-hour cleaning it.
When one JackinWorld reader was 12 and his brother 16, they were in their room when their mother came in to change the sheets on the older brother's bed. She peeled off the bedspread and blanket and stopped as she came to the sheets, which showed substantial semen stains. So she started to scold the older brother about not using tissues to clean up -- just as the father was walking past the room. He broke up laughing. The family still recounts this story around the dining table at holiday meals, and the older brother's wife now says that he deserves all this abuse -- he still won't use a tissue for cleanup.
Semen can be a pesky substance! At their senior prom, two guys went out for a smoke while their dates went to the restroom. As they stood outside smoking and talking, they got horny and decided to pull out their equipment and do the deed right there. They did, and then put everything back, zipped up, and went back to the dance. All went well, until one of the dates asked what was on one of the guys' shoes. It seems that his shoe had caught a big glob of ejaculate.
At another school, the swim team had established a "wall of fame" in a small room with a window looking into the deep end of the pool. Coaches would observe divers' entries into the water from there and help them improve. The "wall of fame" was the wall opposite the window, where guys would go in there to masturbate, aim their ejaculations up the wall, and then initial and date the shot. One of the coaches found it and tried to scold the team when he got them together, but he was laughing so hard as he "scolded" that the rest of the group started laughing, too.
Discovering Somebody, Or Being Discovered
Being discovered while masturbating, or discovering somebody masturbating, comprised the other big response category. Mothers seem to walk in on their sons masturbating more than fathers, brothers, or sisters.
One mom entered her son's bedroom to find him doing a handstand and masturbating to try to ejaculate into his mouth. He tried to convince her that he was doing sit-ups. Another mom walked in on her daughter masturbating in the bathroom. The mother laughed and then said not to worry, it was okay -- she had explored her body when she was young, too. Another mom walked in on her son, who was naked and masturbating. Both froze. Then mom backed out of the room chuckling and saying that she was certain he was his father's son.
A husband started masturbating after his wife and her friend left to go shopping. Not 10 minutes later, he was naked, looking at porn, lubed up and stroking. Suddenly, the door opened and his wife and her friend returned to get something they had forgotten. The poor guy was caught in the act, totally embarrassed, and then was amazed as his wife and friend asked if they could join him. He said yes; all masturbated to satisfying conclusions, and then the three of them went out shopping together.
Of course, more than just immediate family can discover somebody masturbating. In one story, a guy and his girlfriend were on a canoeing trip in the Canadian Rockies. In the previous several days, they had seen only one other party canoeing. So they decided to take the warm, sunny afternoon off, pull up onto a beach, and make love. Afterward, the guy wasn't quite satisfied, so he lay down on his towel to take things into hand as his girlfriend watched. He was warm, comfortable, and feeling good, so he closed his eyes and went for it. When he next opened his eyes, he saw another couple in a canoe just about to beach right next to them. It seems that his girlfriend had seen the other party, put a T-shirt on a paddle, and waved it to attract their attention. Everyone laughed about it.
Another story involved a guy who lived alone driving home from work on his birthday, feeling horny, and deciding to take care of business right there in his car after he had pulled into his garage. As he finished, he realized that he didn't have anything to clean up with, so he waddled with his pants around his ankles from the garage into his kitchen to get a paper towel. As soon as he opened the kitchen door, he saw about 10 of his friends standing in his kitchen, holding a big cake, and yelling, "Surprise! Happy birthday!" Of course, he was beyond embarrassed, and everyone had a good laugh over it. The next year, he arrived home from work, didn't masturbate, went into his kitchen, and found 4 of the guys from the previous year, pants around their ankles and stroking their erections, with a big penis-shaped cake waiting on the table.
A teenager and his friend were on a trip with his mom and dad. Mom and dad were up front in the minivan; the boys were all the way back in the third seat. They got horny and decided to masturbate. They were just getting into it when they felt the car begin to slow for a tollbooth. Before they could cover up, the car accelerated out of the booth and the boys were bathed in light, right in front of a very surprised toll taker. Of course, this cracked them up, and the parents kept asking what was so funny.
Sleeping over at a friend's house, a kid awoke in the middle of the night and decided to masturbate. The next thing he knew, his friend was laughing and shaking him awake the next morning. He had fallen asleep mid-session.
A college guy was on a webcam with his girlfriend, who was across the state at another college. A friend who lived across campus called to say that his PC was down -- he wanted this guy to look up some information on the Web. After giving his friend the information, he went down the hall of his dorm without shutting down his PC. Two hours later, he returned, did some reading, and then brought up some erotic pictures and started to masturbate. In a few minutes his phone rang again -- it was his girlfriend, who asked him, "Having fun?" He realized with a start that he had forgotten to shut down his webcam.
Friends camping with family in Australia decided to masturbate one night in their tent. They were about to ejaculate when they saw a shadow on the tent wall, thought it was the father, and so they dressed quickly, ready to explain what they had been doing. But the shadow belonged to a kangaroo. From being quite scared, they felt a wave of relief and started to laugh. However, the next night they continued their activities when they saw the shadow because they thought it was the kangaroo again. However, this time it turned out to be the kid's mother.
A guy's dad burst into the bathroom where the guy was masturbating, thinking that his wife was in there. Both were shocked, and the father just closed the door and left without saying anything. The guy didn't know what to say when next they saw each other. When their eyes met, though, they just burst out laughing. Everything was cool then.
Being discovered masturbating is always embarrassing, so people usually try to avoid it if possible. The efforts to avoid discovery have resulted in some funny situations.
A student at a school for the blind was up in his room mutually masturbating with his girlfriend when his roommate walked in and struck up a conversation. Of course, the couple wasn't very responsive, so the roommate started to repeat his questions, finally asking what they were doing over there. They replied in unison, "Nothing."
Two brothers shared a room and had always masturbated together or in front of each other. One night the older brother had come in from a date and was telling his brother about playing around with his girlfriend in his truck. They got hot, started to masturbate, and then heard their mother coming down the hall. So they speeded up to finish before she got there, and then jumped into bed without cleaning up. They were quite a mess under the sheets and laughed about it for a long time.
One teen had just ejaculated when he got a telephone call. His mother brought the telephone into his room for him, so when he heard her coming, he had to jump into bed quickly -- mess and all -- and then carry on a normal conversation
Where would masturbation be without some interruptions to keep things lively?
Two teenagers were masturbating together, when the family dog jumped up on the bed and started to hump one kid's leg. Both boys lost it to laughter.
A guy was masturbating in his room when his mother knocked on his door to announce dinner. This surprised him into orgasm, and the mom wanted to know why the kid's voice sounded funny.
Eight boys were having a sleepover when they started to play truth or dare and it turned horny. Several were dared to "make love" to various objects; one boy was using a hollowed-out cucumber when the father came downstairs to check on them. The boys had just enough time to get their pants back up when the man opened the door and looked in, fixing his gaze on the crotch of the kid who had been using the cucumber, raised his eyebrows, and then left. They all cracked up, wondering if the father had thought there was nothing else in the boy's briefs.
When two events occur either simultaneously or very close to one another, the coincidence can be amusing.
A man was returning to his car from skiing, and halfway through the parking lot, he came upon a car in which a man in his 20s was masturbating. The skier stopped in the car's blind spot to observe the wanker stroke his penis to completion. Only then did the observer notice that the car was company-owned and advertised "[town name] Steel Erections."
A man had been masturbating with a friend for a couple of months when the friend suggested adding a third guy to the fun. After some hesitation, the guy agreed, and a meeting was arranged. Both the friend and this guy thought they recognized each other, but couldn't remember from where. The next workday, the guy was taking his store's deposit to the bank, and there was the new group member -- working as a teller.
A guy and his friend would take turns watching each other masturbate. The friend had finished when the guy lay down on the bed to masturbate while the friend got up to watch. After a minute, the friend said, "Hey," and the guy said not to talk or he wouldn't ejaculate. After another few moments, the friend again said, "Hey," and the guy again said not to talk or he wouldn't ejaculate. Just as the guy started to ejaculate, a full glass of ice water fell off the headboard and onto him. The guy started hollering while he was still ejaculating.
It's also funny when two people share a private joke or other knowledge between them.
Two friends were raking leaves and took a break for a snack. On the table was a fresh-baked cherry pie, and one dared the other to pull an "American Pie." He did, and then they fed the messed-up pie to the dog. Grandma came home and yelled at them for eating the whole pie -- she had baked it for a church social.
A teenager used the same sock to catch his ejaculate, and then one day, he put it on by mistake to wear to school. On the way to school, his mother asked what the odor was, and his younger brother said, "It's his old wanky sock," which broke up both of them, and the mother never knew what they were laughing about.
...And One Big Mistake
A teenager was lying in bed before getting up, and with obvious "morning wood." His father came into the room and asked for the phone. The kid pretended to be asleep so his dad wouldn't suspect he was doing anything, when the dad grabbed the kid's bulge, thinking it was the phone. The kid yelled, "That's not the phone! Just page the phone!" Both were embarrassed and avoided each other the rest of the day.