Men & women speak out about each other's techniques – good & bad
By Linda Kirkham
[Linda Kirkham is a freelance writer and Internet consultant in western Canada. Her areas of expertise include music, literature, and how the arts reflect society.]
Masturbation isn't always done solo – many couples incorporate masturbation into their lovemaking. When done correctly, in ways that are satisfying to both partners, masturbation can be a very rewarding and fun way to express sexual intimacy. We spoke to both women and men to find out how to masturbate your partner right – and not so right.
Tips For Men
"Fingering" a woman is common in sexual foreplay, especially for women who otherwise don't have orgasms. "Derek and I often begin our lovemaking with him stimulating me," says Gloria, 25. "I get extremely satisfied, and I also get lubricated enough for intercourse." Good fingering techniques are varied; most women find this to be extremely personal. "It takes a while with a new partner before he finds the ultimate way to satisfy me with his hands," says Elizabeth, 29. "Every guy is different, and every woman is different in terms of what she likes and doesn't like, so it's like another way of getting to know each other."
For a lot of women, stimulating the clitoris is the best way to create a satisfying orgasm. "He rubs it very gently using two fingers, and usually that doesn't take me very long to get off," explains Sasha, 33. "He starts slowly, and then as I get more and more lubricated he rubs faster." The key, however, is often not going too fast, too soon. "My ex-boyfriend – honestly, I used to call him Mr. Eraser, because that is exactly what he used to do to my clitoris. It felt like he was trying to erase something there," Claire, 27, says.
With women, there seems to be a more varied approach in masturbating. Some women are aroused not only by touching the clitoris and vaginal area but also the surrounding areas. "My boyfriend drives me wild when he caresses the insides of my thighs," says Ingrid, 35. "He'll rub my clitoris for a while, then sweep his hands across my thighs, then back to the clitoris...it's very stimulating." Indeed, "teasing" tends to be an effective way to get started when fingering a woman. "My husband touches me all over down there – my clitoris, my opening, my groin – until I simply can't take it anymore. Then he starts directly stimulating my clitoris," says Susan, 42.
he was trying to erase something there"
Some women report that their significant others are dextrous when it comes to using more than one finger. "My Sam plays with my clitoris with his thumb, and at the same time he puts his pointer finger inside my vagina," says Maria, 47. "I cannot even begin to describe what that's like – it's like my body is being overtaken with pleasure."
While most of the women we interviewed said they would not have an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, vaginal stimulation in addition to clitoral stimulation makes for a more intense orgasm. However, if a man is going to stick his finger(s) inside the vagina, as with intercourse, he shouldn't do it too quickly. "I need some time to lubricate. If he sticks his finger in right away, it can hurt," says Elaine, 22.
"Don't pull pubic hair. Make sure your nails are clipped and smooth, not rough. And please, don't pinch," pleads Anastasia, 26, who says she has experienced all of these masturbation "don'ts."
Alice, 38, appeared to be the most sexually adventurous of the women we interviewed. She likes it when her boyfriend gently places his index finger in her anus right after she climaxes. "It is a very relaxing, full feeling," she says. "I find my anal region gets very sensitive after I climax, and when he does that, it is like I am having another orgasm. I literally feel it all over my body." If you decide to try this, make sure you do not re-enter the vagina after putting your fingers in her anus. This can result in the spread of bacteria and a nasty infection. In fact, from a health perspective, men should always make sure their hands are clean before fingering a woman to prevent dirt and bacteria from getting into the vagina. If the man has ejaculated, he should also make sure no traces of semen or pre-ejaculate fluid are on his hands or get anywhere near the woman's vulva or vagina. Doing so could transmit an STD or even cause pregnancy. (Pregnancy isn't very likely, but why take the chance?) Some STD's, like human papilloma virus and herpes, need only skin-to-skin contact in order to spread – so if you have any doubt as to your partner's sexual health, latex gloves can come in handy. (This goes for both men and women.)
Tips For Women
Men, when asked about what they like and don't like about the way their female partners masturbate them, tend to answer quickly, to the point, and extremely candidly. "When Marsha and I fool around, we often begin with her touching my privates," says Albert, 26. "It's a great way to get started, because I get aroused very quickly, and sometimes we just have sex that way instead of intercourse, like when she's on her period or just not feeling up to it." Albert knows very well what he likes. "The simple up-and-down motion of her hand on my penis is usually the best way to go. She can tell by my breathing and movements when I am getting close to ejaculating, and she speeds up to accommodate that."
Zachary, 34, has similar comments about his girlfriend's technique. "A woman should never slow down – she should always speed up. But not too fast – or else her hand ends up coming down too hard on the guy's testicles. Believe me, I learned that one the hard way," he chuckles.
"My wife's arm sometimes gives out – I can take a long time, and she gets tired. So she switches hands," says Martin, 40. "That's okay a few times, but if she does it too much I can start to lose my erection." His advice to women who easily tire? "Don't grip the penis too tightly. Hold it with the same intensity that you would give to a handshake. The tighter you hold it, the faster you'll get tired."
Sometimes a little lubrication can go a long way. "If we know we're not going to have intercourse, she'll put some Vaseline on her hand," says Greg, 19. "If we use masturbation as foreplay, we'll use a water-based lubricant so as not to wreck the condom." Greg says that the lubrication helps things go more, ahem, smoothly. "It causes less friction on my penis, which can sometimes be a bit irritating," he explains. "It also helps me last longer."
A woman should grip as much of the shaft as she can – not just center around one area of the shaft. "She held onto the middle of my shaft with two fingers and her thumb – and I got rubbed raw," says David, 34. "It didn't feel bad at the time, but all of the friction was directed to that one spot, and boy, did it ever blister later on."
Women can become very creative when pleasuring their partners. "When my girlfriend plays with my testicles at the same time she is stroking my penis, it sends me flying," says Darryl, 47. "She uses one hand for my shaft and another for my testicles." Many men expressed a liking for women to play with the frenulum, the little bit of loose skin located underneath the penis head. "It's a very sensitive area," says Andy, 32. "Sometimes she'll just flick it for a while before she starts stroking me, and then later on she'll sort of keep one of her fingers near it, so it rubs there while her hand moves up and down."
Men have several other big no-no's for their female partners. "She was doing so well, and then right before I was about to ejaculate, she slowed down," says Bill, 31. "I think she was afraid that for some reason it would hurt me if she kept on going that fast – but instead I had to finish the job for her, or else I would have lost my erection completely." Richard, 20, has a different pet peeve. "If she gets squeamish before I ejaculate, it is a real turnoff. It hurts a guy emotionally if the girl thinks his semen is 'icky.'"
Women who would like to minimize contact with their partner's semen can have a towel nearby to immediately wipe up any spillage, make sure she is far enough back so the semen won't get anywhere except on her hand, and point his penis toward his stomach before he ejaculates.
Final Thoughts
When done with care and sensitivity, masturbation between partners can build intimacy and can be a lot of fun. Both men and women tend to have specific preferences as to what they like masturbation-wise, but women seem to enjoy a more varied range of masturbation techniques. Men and women need to articulate their preferences to their partners and be sensitive to each other's likes and dislikes.
