Lube your dominant hand. Kneeling at the toilet, place your lubed hand palm up and grip your penis. By "pumping" your hips, you can simulate intercourse. The toilet not only acts as a surface level with your hips, it also catches all of your semen for easy clean-up. Wipe your penis with toilet paper, and flush. Bye bye, mess.
What do you think about when you masturbate or have sex? Would you tell your significant other if they asked?
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The Toilet Pumper
