How did this situation finally play itself out? If you're the reader who wrote the question, give us all an update!]
You confronted him about it but he wasn't ready to respond. I think he's doing it at night because that's when he's feelin' sexy, not because you're there. I'd leave him a note telling him it's okay to masturbate anytime he's alone — you do it, too — but please don't do it when you're in the room trying to sleep. He'll be able to accept your request when he's reading it in private better than when he's standing face to face with you.
- age 26, Washington
He ought to count sheep — one for each squeak of the springs.
- age 51, New York
If it were during the day in the kitchen, then I'd be worried. But that's just my opinion.
- age 15, Louisiana
Well, obviously a compromise needs to be worked out. Keep in mind that your roommate will *never, ever* stop masturbating if you tell him to. If you set an ultimatum like that, he will purposely abuse it every chance he gets — and that will turn into an unhealthy setting. It's about time both you and your roommate learn a little bit about compromising, tolerance, and honesty.
- age 21, California
Let him masturbate. You masturbate when you want to. Or, you could pay a hooker to stay with him all night. Ha!
- age 15, Canada
- age 35, New York
"Hey man, you do it on your own time and I'll do it on mine."
- age 18, Pakistan
I'd be completely open and honest about why it bothered me, then request that she/he didn't masturbate in my presence. My college dorm roommate used to masturbate in front of me all the time. And while I didn't object to her masturbating, I found it to be rather distracting and asked her not to. When she wouldn't stop, I got my revenge. One night after she'd gone to bed, my boyfriend and I had very loud and passionate sex in the room. After that, she never masturbated in front of me again!
- age 36, California (female)
I'd just slap him upside the head and say, "Dude, stop !*&$ing doing it when I'm around!"
- age 16, Nevada
If you just don't like seeing or hearing your roommate masturbating during waking hours and he or she continues to do so in your presence in spite of your objections, get over it. Be glad you have a roommate who feels comfortable enough with you to do that. This also means you can masturbate any time you want and not worry about being "caught" by your roommate, a constant worry of many people who room with others.
- age 39, Pennsylvania
Ask him to lube up the bedsprings with some of that lotion he masturbates with.
- age 23, Japan
There are certain things you don't do in public, but home is one of the places where it is acceptable to masturbate. Would you rather have your roommate locked in the bathroom all the time? Depending on the number of bathrooms, this could be more of a problem than masturbating in bed. Appreciate your roommate's lack of inhibition. Realize he doesn't have many places where he can masturbate in private. Tell him you won't mind if he strokes quietly, or get rid of those creaky springs. A little tolerance goes a long way toward keeping the peace with roommates.
- age 36, Utah
At the moment he increases the pace (nearing orgasm) I would remove his blanket and throw him a bucket of cold, COLD water.
- age 19, Canada
Apparently it's not the actual act of masturbating that bothers you but the noise. Don't confront him about the act — concentrate on the fact that the noise bothers you. Try to negotiate a solution to the noise problem rather than the masturbation problem.
- age 40, Colorado
I would let him do whatever he wanted because, as gross as it is, I understand the need to masturbate.
- age 18, Maryland
A polite request to desist may fall on deaf ears, so a little surprise tactic may be in order. When the unmistakable sound of masturbation about to reach its desired conclusion approaches, click on the light and exclaim "Aha! The game is afoot, Dr. Watson!" or some such other nonsensical thing. Then he knows you know — but by being semi-comic, maybe no one's feelings are seriously hurt.
- age 35, Tennessee
Masturbate during an uncomfortable moment for him — for example when he is on the phone or doing some work. Make really pleasurable noises, and when he confronts you, make a deal.
- age 16, Colorado
That's a tough situation. Obviously the guy doesn't mind attention and may even like it. The best thing is to first ask very seriously that he not do it when you are around. Next, try ridicule; make fun of his taste in pornography or his clothes or something. Next, try hitting him with a rolled up newspaper and yell, "bad dog!" As peculiar as the suggestion sounds, I bet it would work, if only because he'll think you're a psycho.
- age 31, Georgia
Wait just until he stops, then start to make *your* bedsprings squeak (masturbation optional!). Keep getting louder and louder, then yell, "How do you like it?!"
- age 16, Virginia
It seems obvious he wants you to (a) acknowledge, or (b) join him. He may have bisexual tendencies, or maybe wants to share as a straight friend. Don't be afraid of your own reaction — actions speak louder than words. If you are uncomfortable about this, then be honest. If you are even somewhat interested, well, be honest, too. It could lead to a lot of fun (remember, you don't have to be gay to participate — set your own rules). It is very natural for guys to be interested in what other guys do...keep an open mind.
- age 23, New Mexico
Tell him to knock it off! If that doesn't work, kick his butt!
- age 15, California
I would ask him if it takes being in your presence to get him excited enough to "do the deed." Then tell him it isn't accomplishing what he thinks and that you are not turned on by it. Suggest that he go to the school counselor and get help. I think he might get the hint. If not, then you should look for a new roommate.
- age 63, Texas
I don't think it's any of my business what my roommate does in the confines of his "private space," whether it be a room or a bed.
- age 18, Texas
It sounds like the roommate needs a hobby! I had a roommate once who'd masturbate in the living room while watching porn videos. I'm certainly not a prude; I do it too. But I prefer the privacy of my bedroom. I'd tell the roommate that he's being inconsiderate and that other people's feelings are more important than his masturbation habits. If that doesn't work, then maybe it's time the guy finds a new roommate
- age 40, California
Don't confront him. Fight fire with fire. When he falls asleep, turn on the music or TV. Start a temporary annoying habit until he eventually confronts you (if he doesn't get the hint before). At that point, you have the ball in your court, because you can bring up his squeaky masturbation problem. Not only will he be humbled, but I guarantee he will be done masturbating loudly while you are trying to sleep. I have had problems similar and have done what I told you to do, and it worked each time.
- age 18, South Dakota
Get in bed with him and see if it changes his attitude.
- age 74, Iowa
I had a good friend for a roommate once. We somehow started talking about masturbation. After that she started masturbating out in the open. I just told her, if she wants to do it, it's fine, I do it too — but please go to the washroom or do it when I'm not around. And she was fine with it.
- age 23, Canada (female)
I would just wait until he was at it and then mid-stroke, just tell him to stop and keep doing it until he stops. There would be nothing worse than someone constantly interrupting you while you masturbate.
- age 17, England
This wouldn't ever happen, because I would not ever be bothered by it. In college one roommate masturbated when he thought I was asleep but I wasn't. Of course I did it when I thought he was asleep, too. One time he made some off-handed remark about "making the bed," which I chose to ignore. Thinking back on it, I guess I should have responded, and it would have made life easier for both of us. Masturbating is a heck of a lot less worry than other things — I had roommates who wore my clothes (without my permission), kept me awake while they studied (with the light on), and so on. I moved out on them. The masturbator and I were roommates for several years. Of course things were different back then, but I strongly recommend checking out potential roommates to see if they masturbate — masturbators keep the lights off and don't bother you.
- age 53, Texas
If warfare breaks out, you might threaten to ask your landlord to fix the creaking springs. He won't like that.
- age 19, Pennsylvania
As with any other offensive behavior, I would confront the roommate again until he deals with it. If he tried to deny it again, I would bring up the details that convince me that he's masturbating — the bed shakes and squeaks, he sighs loudly, whatever. Then I would try to pursue how he could meet his needs without offending me.
- age 57, New Jersey
This happened to me and my roommate. When I jokingly mentioned it and he laughed it off, I didn't know what to do. After a few more nights of this, I realized he might have gotten used to masturbating at night before going to sleep, and he might have been doing this for years now (just as I almost always masturbate in the morning before going to the shower). I tried getting up out of bed to embarrass him while he did it; that didn't work, so now I just wait to go to bed until about 20 minutes later. He's gotten used to me being in the TV room till then, and he manages to get his job done without me there. The best recommendation is not to confront it — deal with it reasonably, make some accommodations for him, and he will for you at some point.
- age 19, Pennsylvania
Since he denies that he does it, I'd just turn on the lights or interrupt him in some other way to let him know for sure that you know. Then, we could discuss what we will do to ease the situation. I don't really have anything against someone doing it as long as they don't get in the way of my lifestyle. It would be pretty creepy to bring home a date and find my roommate at it.
- age 34, California
I'm easy on the subject. He can masturbate all he likes; the bedsprings or other noises are not going to prevent me from sleeping or doing whatever. I might even join him every now and then.
- age 17, South Africa
I would threaten him with a promise to call his mother and complain about him masturbating in front of his roomie.
- age 28, New Mexico
I would be like, "Yo, dude...If you want to masturbate that's cool with me, but don't be so secretive and noisy about it."
- age 13, North Carolina
I had this problem in college last year. I decided to go ahead and masturbate in front of him, with lights on, as noisily as possible, every time he came into the room. I figured this would make him understand my viewpoint — but it had a different result, which was even better: After about the third time, he pulled down his pants and started masturbating, too, and after that we masturbated together every night and got it over with quickly enough to get to sleep on time.
- age 20, Nebraska
Say, "For God's sake, would you hurry up and finish masturbating? I'm trying to get to sleep here. Don't deny — if I lifted up those bedcovers there would be a hard penis under there."
- age 16, Australia
First of all, your roommate doesn't masturbate just because you are around when he is. He masturbates for a release because he is horny. Are you trying to tell us *you* don't masturbate? If he offends you so much, why not get another roommate? But I'll bet you, you can't find a guy that doesn't enjoy masturbating. If the creaking bedsprings keep you awake, help him buy a new bed, or learn how to masturbate and masturbate when he does.
- age 25, California
I would joke about it — "Get a room!" "If you keep doing that it'll stay that way" etc. If the hint-dropping works, I'd say, "Seriously, cut it out when I'm around." Most people would get the idea that it's not something you want to see.
- age 16, Ohio
I'd say the trick is to put him off guard and make him fully aware of the degree to which it makes you uncomfortable. For example, the next time you hear the bedsprings creak, if you suddenly leap to your feet and yell, "What the hell are you doing?!" he will probably be sufficiently startled to give away the truth — if not directly then by stuttering. At any rate it will suddenly be foremost in his mind and associated with confusion and discomfort. Then confront him directly; say it's making you uncomfortable, that you're not attracted to him, that you'd rather not hear him do that any more than he'd want you to take a dump on the floor.
- age 19, Pennsylvania
Once I had to confront a college roommate about masturbating in our living room while watching porn videos. My then-boyfriend and I walked in on her twice, which was kind of embarrassing, since both times she was naked and using a dildo. I told her that while I definitely didn't have anything against her masturbating, I'd prefer that she do it in the privacy of her bedroom. She respected my wishes, and from then on she and her dildo played behind closed doors.
- age 36, California (female)
I would handle my roommate's masturbation habits the same way I would handle any other problem I had with him. I would simply be as up-front and straightforward as I could be. I would try not to appear confrontational. I would tell my roommate exactly what I objected to, and exactly why I felt that way. If my roommate wouldn't change, I'd speak to a residence advisor about it. I don't think I'd have a problem talking to my roommate about it.
- age 18, Pennsylvania
This happened to a friend of mine during her freshman year at college. The roomie always waited for 5 or 10 minutes after the lights went out, and then the creaking began. My friend tried subtle tactics such as asking whether she was okay, or was she crying, but that didn't work for long. Eventually she had to confront her roommate directly, by asking her not to masturbate while they were in the room together. It was embarrassing for both parties, but the behavior stopped, and all "jilling" was done in private from that point on.
- age 29, Michigan
When he's midway through and the noise is undeniable, yell out, "*Dammit*, lie still and let me get some rest! Go someplace else if you aren't ready to sleep — your noisy bed is seriously pissing me off."
- age 17, Toronto, Canada
The first time, I'd ask him/her to stop; the second, I would walk out. If you know someone well enough to room with them, then you *should* know them well enough to tell them if they make you uncomfortable.
- age 27, Michigan (female)
Dealing with a roommate masturbating should be a very low priority considering all the other possible conflicts that could occur when two people are living so close together. I am currently in college and have had many issues with roommates that are much more profound. If the other person is looking for some private time, the best thing to do would be to find somewhere else to go for about 20 minutes. If the roommate is trying to force me to watch or join him against my wishes, I would have to explain that the issue is simply a private matter. I would also keep in mind that the roommate probably just does not want to be alone during masturbation.
- age 23, Pennsylvania
This roommate sounds like a disrespectful little freak. Scare the crap out of him by shining a flashlight on him. This way there will be no denying it — and if he was just tossing and turning in his sleep then no harm done. Just tell him how much it repulses you, and how rude he is being...and if possible, find a new roommate!
- age 22, Virginia (female)
I wish *I* had a roommate who masturbated in my presence — often — and wanted help.
- age 16, Nevada
You need to get yourself a life-size poster of Roseanne Barr, placed conveniently in front of said roommate. Warning: This will have a reverse-Medusa effect (that is, it will permanently soften things that are rock-hard), so be careful!
- age 19, Florida
Practicality is probably important in this instance. If it is a college roommate, you could probably get your room assignment changed due to "incompatibilities" between you and your roommate. If it is an apartment roommate it'll probably be more involved. Who actually started renting the apartment, you or your roommate? If you did, you could always just kick him out. Lastly, you might try starting to masturbate when he is asleep or trying to get to sleep, or studying, or whatever, so he can see how annoying it really is.
- age 16, New Jersey
I've actually had a similar problem. A former roommate felt no shame. He'd stay home all day watching pornos in our living room, masturbating. If someone walked in on him (which happened often), he wouldn't even acknowledge their presence and zip up. He'd just go about his business. Eventually, my fellow roommates and I confronted him and explained how we felt. We gave him an ultimatum: either keep his masturbation to himself and not bother us with it, or move out. Needless to say, the inconsiderate prick packed up and split a week later.
- age 19, California
Leave a can of WD-40 on his bed with a note saying, "Can you please fix the squeak in your bed? It's driving me crazy!"
- age 22, North Carolina (female)
Call his bluff — act like you want to watch. If he readily denies that he masturbates, this should stop him cold! A word of warning, however: be prepared for your roommate to call *your* bluff.
- age 19, Pennsylvania
1. Relax. 2. Tell him that if he insists on masturbating in your presence, you will insist on watching. Sit on the edge of his bed and pull the covers down, and watch him pull himself whilst you adopt a rather clinical expression. When he ejaculates, laugh heartily and say "Goodness, I've never seen anything so ridiculous." He will get the message!
- age 26, Australia