Procrastination is like masturbation – at first it might feel great, but in the end you're just [having sex with] yourself.
90% of all women masturbate...the other 10% are nuns!
Sex is like bridge – you either need a good partner, or a good hand.
A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."
"95% of people masturbate...the other 5% don't have hands."
"Sorry I'm late for work, boss, but I had to help my Uncle Jack off the horse."
"You masturbate in the shower so much, you get an erection whenever it rains!"
"I just flew in from the sperm bank – and boy, are my arms tired!"
Q. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Q. What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
A. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a good wank!
Q: What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?
A: When you make a deposit at a sperm bank, you lose interest!
Q: Why did the logging train stop in the woods?
A: To let the lumberjack off.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day – what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.
Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears – to listen for footsteps.
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!
Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing!
And one for you golfers out there:
Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!
There once was a man whose religion said that he had to be naked all the time. Not wanting to go against his religion, he went everywhere naked – even to the supermarket. One day he went shopping for Lifesavers and gum. As he was heading toward the counter to pay for his candy, he saw three nuns come into the store. He thought, "I don't want these nuns to see me and preach to me about how I should wear clothes." Not having anywhere to hide, he stood very still and pretended to be a mannequin. The three nuns walked up to him and were very curious. The first one went up and yanked on the man's penis, and the man dropped the Lifesavers. The nun picked them up and showed them to the others saying, "Look, I got Lifesavers." The second nun went up to the man and pulled on his penis, and the man dropped his gum. The nun picked it up and said, "Look, I got gum." Not wanting to go home empty-handed, the last nun went up to the man, yanked on his penis, and said, "Look, I got hand lotion."
A cigarette and a penis were walking down the street. The cigarette said to the penis, "Hey, man, something really bad happened to me the other day! Someone pulled me out of my house, put my ass in his mouth, lit my hair on fire, and sucked air through my head. It hurt like hell!" The penis replied, "That's peanuts compared to what I have to go through every day! My boss puts me in a plastic bag, wraps his hand around me, and won't stop shaking me until I puke!"
Two construction workers were working the high beams. One was on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needed a handsaw, but with all the construction noise, the other guy couldn't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decided to use hand signals. He pointed to his eye for "I," he pointed to his knee for "need," then moved his hands back and forth for "handsaw." The guy on the first floor dropped his pants and started masturbating. The guy on the third floor ran down to the first floor and said, "What the hell are you doing? All I wanted was a handsaw!" The guy on the first floor said, "I just wanted to tell you I was coming."
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father was trying to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself – television, ice cream, homework, video games – but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed. After the poker game ended – with Johnny still out of sight – the father asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?" "Not much," the uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"
A penis and a toe were talking one day. The toe said to the penis, "Man, I have the worst life. All day I am stuck inside a smelly shoe, and my master is clumsy, so I always get hurt." The penis responded, "Oh, yeah? My master makes me do push-ups until I throw up!"