Get a condom that's a little too big for your penis, and fill the tip with water and water-based lube or a bit of liquid soap. (Make sure it's not a kind that stings!) Now get your penis wet and slippery (but not foamy), and slide on the condom, getting rid of any air bubbles. Unroll it all the way so it has some excess at the end. It should feel super-smooth and should slide without much friction. Get a soft and elastic sock, and turn the open part inside out over the toe part. Carefully pull it over your penis while making sure there's still some slack at the end of the condom. Lie down on your couch, hold the cushions apart with one hand, pull the sock down in with the other, and settle into a lying-down position. If the lubrication is right, the slightest movement will make your penis slip one way or the other – it's a challenge just to lie still for several minutes and not ejaculate.
SOCK IT TO ME
You will need a pair of socks (preferably long, thick ones, like hiking socks if you have them), margarine, and a condom (or a large balloon or thin rubber glove if you cannot get a condom). Insert one sock inside the other and then turn the two half-inside-out so the top of the socks is folded back almost down to the toes. Take the condom and unroll it completely. Put some margarine into the condom and squish it all around so that the bottom two-thirds of the condom is well lubricated. Then insert the condom into the socks. Bunching up the socks from the toes, pull the tip of the condom down the inside of the socks until the rim of the condom is just outside the top of the socks. Next, with your fingers under the rim, lift it over the end of the socks so it holds the condom firmly in place. (If using the finger of a rubber glove, you will need to use a rubber band to hold it in place.) You might also need to hold the end of the sock-condom in place somehow. You will now see a very appealing hole awaiting your use. The thick socks will nicely squash the condom flat, providing excellent vagina-like qualities. Spread margarine around the outer "lips" of the condom over the socks, and form a "plug" of margarine in the hole. You're ready to go. You can either move the sock/condom with your hand, hold it and trust into it, or put it between your mattress and box spring and thrust into it.